It's funny, because there is so much that has happened, but when I go to write about it, I just don't know if it's inconsequential or if it's stuff anyone really cares to read about any more.

I changed my major. I entered into the pre-RN program. I don't want to be an RN. But this program will get me more classes that will transfer over to a traditional school so that I can pursue my actual goals a little better.

Wait. I better back up.

My fibromyalgia has gotten progressively worse. It responded for a while to Neurontin, and then stopped. So the dose was raised, and that helped again for a while, and stopped. So I got on Neurontin, and it helped amazingly. But was terribly expensive, even with our insurance. So my doc kept me in samples as best he could, but when that fell short, even the couple weeks I had to pay for were ridiculous. It's a shame that we have to pay so much money to feel healthy, isn't it? After a couple months, I stopped responding to Lyrica anyway. And the dizziness from it had affected me so badly it was causing falls that one of was so bad, it triggered a flare up, anyway. So I'm off both now, and back to managing with painkillers and muscle relaxers.

Anyway. The point is this. If I'm having this much trouble now, how am I going to handle the hard work a veterinary technician would face daily? Scared, difficult to restrain animals, carrying sedated animals to and from surgery tables, being on my feet all day... It was just obvious that it would be more than I could bear. So I decided that I should pursue another avenue.

What else do I love? Art! Literature! Writing! The Humanities.

So I'm hoping to go on to a traditional school and study art theories and history, literature (I'm already in an awesome Literature and Composition class with a teacher I just adore), writing, and who know what else. But ultimately, I want to teach. I'd like to teach a class similar to the Introduction to Humanities class that I took last quarter. I want to motivate and inspire people and get students excited about art. There seems to be a huge lack of that today.

I want to write. A book. One that will change the way people think, the way they see the world, the way they interact with one another. I want to write something that matters. I want to write about my beliefs and philosophies and maybe, just maybe, make a difference some day.

There's more news, but that's enough for now, yes?

I keep saying I'm going to write more, and then falling into silence again. Tsk.

I have so much I want to say, but life proves to be distracting, and I just don't find the time to sit down and write what I wanted to...

My son can count to five on his own. Ten with help. He's learning colors and letters and shapes and it just amazes me how fast he went from baby to toddler to little boy. He's so smart. It just blows my mind.

He's come back to me now, too. For a long time, he was ALL about his daddy. He went to Scott for comfort, snuggles, playtime, reading, nearly everything. He wanted daddy to do it all. But the last few weeks, he's come back to me. Scott usually does bedtime: tooth brushing, face washing, a few stories, and then into bed. But lately, he's been met with tears and even some fits and Luke begging for me. So in to his room I go, and he's instantly quiet, he snuggles into me, and then falls asleep easily. So I've been helping with bedtime lately. I help brush his teeth (no tears), we climb into bed and listen to Scott read a story, and Luke falls asleep. Sometimes he's in our bed, but most of the time he's in his own bed. And he sleeps through the night most of the time. *knocks on wood*

This morning, he begged Scott to let him stay in bed next to me. It was just too precious. Had I not hurt myself somehow yesterday and been unsure of how I'd be able to get around today, I'd have just kept Luke home with me. But I'm still hobbling around a bit, and probably couldn't chase after such a precocious boy. (For the curious, I did something to my ankle, I still can't figure out what. But bearing weight is pretty painful.)

Instead of sleeping in with Luke and playing with him today, I've been productive. I've paid bills and made some hummus and ironed out details for some plans.

I start school again next week. I'm only taking two classes. I'm giving the same math class another shot. I was able to get the teacher I had my first quarter there, who I really like. His teaching style fits really well with the way I learn, so I am glad to be back in his class. I'm also taking Literature and Composition. I am really really looking forward to this class. I think it's going to keep me busy, challenge me, and make me happy. I've met the instructor already, and I think he's really nice.

I've enjoyed my time off from school. It's been nice to have days where I can stay home and enjoy myself, watch movies, relax and recharge, and work on things that needed doing around here. But I'm at the point where I'm ready to go back, I don't want my brain to start getting mushy!

I don't even remember the last time I posted something of substance here. It's been a long time, though, hasn't it?

I'm not even sure I know where to start...
( Lots to read in here... )

Hey Huntsville people! We're gonna be in town this weekend.

We'll be doing dinner at La Alameda on Saturday night, same time as usual, around 5:30 or 6ish, so come join us if you wanna! We'd love to visit!

You just played the same video, by the same artist, in the same music video block program.



This is why I gave up on music video programming.

So tomorrow, Luke will be two. I can't believe it. It amazes me to watch him interact with his classmates, his father, me, the world around him. He no longer just observes, like he did as a baby. He participates in his environment. He acts and reacts. He watches things happen, he makes things happen, he revels in results. I am amazed that he's grown so much and become a little boy in such a short time.

He's an amazing, awesome little kid. And I am so proud to be his mama.

I'm looking forward to his party tomorrow. It's low-key. h2openguin is making a cake (that I can't wait to see!), and just a handful of family and friends are coming over. We're not going all out like we did last year, but we're going to have a good time.

If anyone else wants to come, let me know. There should be enough cake to accommodate a few more guests! We'll have some drinks and snacks, and I'm sure Luke would love to show you his toys and pets and how quickly he can turn order into chaos! ;)

I'm still struggling with some respiratory health issues, but I'm getting better.

I'm doing my breathing treatments. The albuterol makes me uncomfortably shaky, and I hate that, but it is such a benefit to my lungs that I keep doing it and endure the unpleasant side effects. I got another treatment, MucoMyst, which helps me clear out the gunk in my lungs, and doesn't make me shaky or feel bad at all.

I'm on another course of antibiotics, I went through a round of steroids, and I am taking Chantix to help me kick the cigarette habit for good. I realized I can't do it on my own. I've tried patches, gum, lozenges, cold turkey, acupuncture... it's time to try a medicine. If this doesn't work, I'm gonna go get hypnotherapy or something.

Hopefully this will all be over soon, and I'll feel great again.

Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medications again. I've been sleeping poorly, so we upped my dose of Seroquel again. He also added Topamax, to see if it will kind of negate the weight gain/hunger effects I get from the Seroquel and Neurontin. One of the side effects of Topamax is weight loss. It doesn't happen for everybody, but we'll see if it happens for me.

My depression and anxiety are all under pretty good control, and I'm really pleased about that.

Now if I can just get my physical health back, I'll be set. As soon as I can breathe again, I want to get more exercise, so I can work on the weight loss that is practically impossible on some of these meds.

Anyway. That's the medical/health update. Keep me in your thoughts that I can be strong and get over this fierce nicotine addiction. It's hard. I fixate on the craving and have a hard time focusing on other things, it's so overwhelming. I'm doing all I can, and trying my hardest to not feel like a failure. I know I'm not a failure because I'm still working hard and trying options, but it's hard, you know?

I hope everyone out there is doing well, and have good days and have fun weekends planned!

I know this is the shortest possible notice I could give, unless I was texting you all tomorrow afternoon...

We'll be in town this weekend! We're going to have dinner at La Alameda on Saturday night. Come join us if you can. Say, around 5:30 or 6:00 or so? We'll be there. Will you?

Four years ago today, at about 4:30 or so in the afternoon, I said "I do" to the man I love.

When I was in high school, I always joked that I'd get married in blue jeans and a black t shirt and a pair of big black boots. And I did.

Scott has stuck with me through thick and thin, hard times and good times, we've endured a lot together. But we've also celebrated so much together. We made a home together, a life together, found our rhythm and we live in love. We've made a beautiful baby together. We've packed up and moved across the country, across town, and across state lines. But it's always been us, together.

I tell people I married my perfect mate. And I believe that's the truth. I don't think there's a better match for me out there.

Happy anniversary, Biscuit, I love you.

You know, I've only known h2openguin since sometime in mid-October, but we've become fast friends. We have loads in common and just totally understand one another.

Even (or especially?) each others crazy quirks.

I've had a lot of fun spending time with her lately. I love all my friends, with all my heart, even the ones far away. It's just nice to have a local friend to spend time with, plan projects with, goof around with, cook with, and a million other things.

All I'm sayin' is that I'm glad I met such an awesome woman!

Just a quick update as I have to head out the door here shortly for some socialization with human beings...

I've been taking Lyrica since New Year's Eve. Last night, I took a muscle relaxer at bedtime but no painkiller (I took some Robaxin at dinner time though).

This morning, I woke up pain free! PAIN FREE! This means I did not need my pain-relieving cocktail (Vicoprofen and Flexeril) in addition to my daily meds. I can't tell you how good that feels.

I can tell you the last time I woke up pain free. It's been months.

Dr. E upped my dose of Neurontin, gave me nearly a month's worth of samples of Lyrica, and a coupon for a free week from the pharmacy.

I haven't had the slightest twinge today. I can't tell you how uplifting that is.

I just found out the fig plant I bought is toxic to pets and people. Since we have curious cats and a mischievous toddler, I'm not taking any chances. We're bringing it to Nana as a New Year's present.

I'm going to have to find myself a non-toxic indoor tree of some kind to take its place. Maybe I'll find a nice bamboo or something.

I should post my resolutions, right?

1. Get and keep my pain under control.

2. Use diet and exercise to manage not only my pain, but also my general health.

3. Lose 30-40 more pounds (again, with diet and exercise).

4. Yes, I'm really going to try to do this one: grow my hair out.

5. Maintain my high GPA.

6. Be more patient.

7. Get more organized at home.


Hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year!

We're heading to Chattanooga this afternoon/evening to spend the night with Nana, and we'll head back home tomorrow mid-day. It'll be a low-key celebration, I'm sure we'll all actually turn in before midnight, but it will be nice to visit Nana. We didn't spend Christmas with her, so we wanted to share this holiday with her. She just loves Lucas so much, I know it will make her happy to see him.

I emailed Dr. E (my psychiatrist) the day before yesterday, telling him my pain was beginning to affect my mood. He suggested Cymbalta or Lyrica, and I replied that I just can't afford either one. He emailed me this morning and said to come in and see him because he has some Lyrica samples and coupons. He said it's important to him to see me as pain-free as possible.

I woke up sore this morning, and actually considered staying in bed this morning, entertaining myself with books and my Blackberry. But after Dr. E's good news, I did my stretches and got up and dressed.

I may not be having an easy time finding a pain specialist, but at least my GP and psychiatrist are pulling for me and doing all they can!

I feel so much better about things this morning than I did yesterday or the day before.

I feel like I'm one step closer to getting my pain back under control.

I've been rather whiny lately with the pain issues being so constant. But I wanted to refocus and write a little about things I'm thankful for or that are going right in my life.

I'm blessed, absolutely and truly, to have Scott in my life. Not only is he understanding of my pain, emotional health issues, my goals and desires, he's also accommodating. When I don't feel well enough to cook (or sometimes eat) dinner, he prepares a nutritious meal. When I'm hurting so bad that I go lay on the couch to use my heating pad (I don't remember the specifics of why, but we can't use one on our bed), he doesn't pout because he misses me. He offers to come tuck me in, he wishes me a good night, and tells me he hopes I feel better soon. When I am able to sleep in bed, he puts my pain patches on my back for me (Salon Pas patches are the most amazing thing ever), rubs my sore muscles, runs his fingers through my hair, and doesn't get impatient when it takes me a lot of shifting and wiggling to get comfortable and settled. He brings me warm tea, cold water, pain medication, blankets and whatever else I might need when I'm too weary to get them myself. He lets me cry and listens when my pain affects my moods and shakes my spiritual beliefs. He takes care of me, without complaint. He takes care of Luke, without complaint. He tends to chores, even the ones that are mine, without complaint. His love and devotion are constant. I am so thankful for him. I couldn't get through this (life, pain, day, week, bout of depression) without him.

My family loves me. Blood and those by marriage. I'm sent warm thoughts, funny emails, pictures of new homes, new children, new snowfalls. I'm encouraged, I'm appreciated, I'm inspired. I don't know where I'd be without them, either.

My friends are awesome. It seems that I have finally reached that point in my life where I can have drama and bullshit free relationships. I can speak freely and frankly about anything going on. I can have adult conversations. There is practically no gossip, behind-the-back type crap. I'm appreciated for who I am, my thoughts, my talents, my intelligence, my passions. And I can appreciate the same things about the friends I have in my life.

I'm thankful, too, that I am, for the most part, physically and emotionally healthy. I'm losing weight. I'm on the right balance of psychiatric meds to where I feel like myself. While things are pretty bad on the pain front, I know things could be much worse. I need to remember that. Even if things could be better, they could always get worse, and I need to appreciate what I've got.

Temper the bad with the good.

Care to share some of the things you're thankful for? Let's see how long we can make this comment thread.

I might go to the pain center at Emory hospital. It's looking like it will probably be my best option. I just have to get in touch with my GP to get another referral. Since she only works (at the clinic I go to) on Thursdays, I'm debating just scheduling an appointment and going in to see her because it's a pain in the rear to try to get messages to her and nearly impossible to talk to her on the phone.

I'm still frustrated. I wish I could just see a specialist without a referral, I wish that I could see the clinic I first chose. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and never feel pain again.

Whatever.

Based on the results of my Pain Management Poll, I am not going to make a filter for those posts. The majority of my friends who voted said I should leave it unfiltered.

The wonderful comments of support I got really mean a lot. Thank you to everyone who voted/commented about it.

So I finally heard from the pain clinic I'd gotten the referral for.

They don't see/treat fibromyalgia patients. The nurse I talked to suggested plenty of things, ones I already do. Exercise (although I admit I need to be better about this one), chiropractic, massage, healthy diet... She also said that if why my GP is prescribing now is working for me, and if the Neurontin my psychiatrist is prescribing is helping, that it might be my best option to just maintain that course of pain management.

She suggested I look around on the Arthritis Foundation and the Fibromyalgia Network websites.

I've been getting very depressed because of the pain. Since I've started having more bad days than good, I've been feeling worse emotionally. Even if I wake up pain free, unless I take my muscle relaxer in the morning, I'll be hurting before lunch. If I don't take my muscle relaxer at bedtime, I can't sleep.

I'm about to email my therapist and my psychiatrist to let them know that my pain is having an effect on my emotional health. Maybe one or the other can suggest a specialist or something for me.

This is just so depressing and frustrating. I feel like I have to start over again.

If the meds I'm taking now really are my best option, maybe I'll just stick with that. I don't know. Ideally, I'd be taking Cymbalta or Lyrica, but I can't afford either one, even with my insurance. Maybe one day when they come out with generics...

I guess I'll look around more online and see what I can find out.

Hey mattypants! Have a wonderful birthday!

I photographed and uploaded images and listings to my Etsy.com account today.

Here's the link:
http://prairieflower.etsy.com

Please feel free to pass it on! I'd love to get as much traffic as possible.

I only have a few listings right now, but will be adding more as I make them!